world news explained
by Rocco Casale
At Lowlife Magazine, we examine world headlines with a diligent yet untrained eye. We read about natural disasters, personal tragedies and wars. We pause to reflect on (domestic and international) news made sensational in The United States, and, on occasion, we have something to say about it.
The Anna Nicole Smith saga was truly a hot mess. The melting of the polar ice caps is an avoidable catastrophe. Al Gore is going to expire talking about it. President Bush’s ‘handling’ of the Iraq war [soon to be a regional conflict and, perhaps WWIII], and the new ‘surge of troops’ was an ineffectual debacle. Daily civilian casualties are upwards of 100 or more. Crude guerilla bombings and ethnic battles continue to shake Baghdad and other burned-out waterless towns, like pebbles in the stampede war.
It was the recent tragedy at Virginia Tech that touched off a debate among Lowlife contributors. We wanted to understand the core of each issue so that we might, in some way, contribute toward their hopeful resolutions.
But each day the monster grows another eye. Power shifts. Nations awaken and battle. Floating ice plates fall into the ocean. Natural and humanistic ambitions are not as predictable or controllable as we’d like them so. More to the point, we want to know why so many people are desperately unhappy. Unhappiness is what drove the lovely Anna Nicole to binge eat and prodigiously abuse prescription drugs. Referring as far back as 9/11 and the general low mood of U.S. citizens; is what facilitated Dick Cheney and his cohorts to set the stage for war and score it with the fear and doubt of a where-will-America-be-if-we-don’t-defend-ourselves melody.
This is going somewhere, be patient.
After much a to-do at Lowlife Magazine about why human progress and free and thoughtful debate (the essential political man) seem to have collapsed inward like a dead star, the Lowlife team believes that we have formulated a way to transcendently appease, what we can only assume is, a world of crazed and silly people, many of whom are consumed by anger, hate, and unemployed sexual organs. The answer is simply this: get your dick sucked and your clit tickled.
A reminder is a call to action or inaction. The Lowlife team have in the works thousands of “suck my dick OR I’LL SHOOT,” bumper stickers, as unwavering reminders to certain troubled pockets of society making the news these days: angry white gay kids of Midwestern decent, mentally cocooned, potentially lethal Korean boys, high-aspiring and forlorn runaway astronaut mistresses with a penchant for diapers, and any one else striving to make international headlines for abandoning social mores for selfish reasons.
As reminders go, Lowlife Magazine’s “suck my dick OR I'LL SHOOT,” stickers are particularly graphic and abrasive messages to tag on your vehicle. They’re meant to be unnerving. Our adhesive reminders combine, what we believe are, a fundamental human need, connilingus and felatio, with a homegrown sensibility, rooted in America’s founding father machismo attitude that says threats of force = results. To us at Lowlife Magazine, our mission is now clear: potential murderers (war criminals included), instead of shooting up college kids or involving whole nations in expensively protracted and exhaustively destructive conflicts, go out and get your P P or Vadge taken care of by someone other than yourself. Go blow off that dangerous steam building inside of you. Read our thoughtful bumper sticker and remember that aggression in the bedroom is better than aggression on the world stage.
From all of us at Lowlife Magazine,
we wish you and your loved ones safe
and happy days ahead.
